Sunday, April 4, 2010


Okay, so I'm eating the exact same food I was yesterday. I couldn't go to church - they have coffee there. And now, my in-laws want me to go visit them. My husband is hoping I can go visit them. I'm...really scared to go. What happens if I react while I'm there and there's no where to go? I can't take benadryl, can't take the inhaler I've been given.

And I'm not entirely sure how happy my mother in law will be over having to deal with the family's food issues. Special pans, special spoons, special foods, nothing contaminated - it's hard enough for us to deal with, and we've been working on this for months.

So...thinking about how to go about making the decision: to go or not to go. Some balance between health and safety vs. fear.

I dislike this so darn much. I don't want to feel afraid to leave my own town, but I have to admit that I do. I'm used to the reactions now - a bit laid back about them, even. I can judge how fast my throat is swelling up, whether it's mild and will likely subside within a few minutes, or whether I need to get out of that situation, now, and I'll feel terrible for the next few days. Or worst case, I have to rush myself to the ER.

But that's with me knowing my town. I know places that are safe, that are unsafe, and I can get out of danger pretty darn quickly, for the most part. In all the places I used to visit and live? I don't know. I've never been there when my body reacted like this. I don't know if I can go visit the home I grew up in and suddenly have to leave because I react to it. It feels like some paranoid delusion rather than reality.

Guess I'll have to decide what to do eventually, though. We'll see how it all goes.