Disappointing

Today was a hard day.

There was a part of me that wanted something I didn't even realize I wanted. Maybe I just persuaded myself that I didn't. Or ignored it, hoping that it wouldn't be an issue. Or maybe I can lie to myself just that well. But today, quite frankly, sucked.

Since about January, my life has been pretty limited. I go out to the store. I go outside. I go visit a friends for an hour or so maybe once a month. And I've been to the movies maybe five times. That's it. I don't go to talks, concerts, restaurants, social gatherings, nothing. Too many places have coffee or other things I react to. Even the places I DO go, I can't stay too long, even with mask in place, because I'll feel too sick. But I've managed. I like the outdoors and I can go there as often as I like. I spend time with my family. I have friends over. I focus on what I HAVE rather than what I have NOT.

However, over the last couple of months, my reactions have been slowly lessening, and so today, I tried something new: a meeting. It was in a restaurant, but it's a private room, and I was planning to go only until the food was served and then leave at that point. I wore my mask. I picked a time to go when the speaker was one I would be fine not seeing. I'll just leave in a couple hours, no big deal, I thought.

They have iced tea and chips and salsa on side tables, but that's it. Or I thought that was it.

I managed five minutes before I started getting a massive headache. I couldn't figure it out. It got worse, and worse, and suddenly I look down and there's a cup of starbucks on the table. I look over and the table against the wall has rows of cups and a few carafes.

"Do you know if that's tea or coffee?"

I don't know why I asked. I was having a migraine coming on, starting to feel shaky and dizzy, and part of me KNEW it was coffee. And it was. I had to leave before the speaker even started talking.

The reaction faded after about 15 minutes outside in the parking lot, everything dulling to a muted ache and flu-like symptoms. My throat didn't even swell up that much, just the headache and other symptoms. That's progress, actually a lot of progress, really.

But still, I find myself SO upset when I think of it. I really thought this would work, and it didn't, and it was something so SMALL. It was nothing more than walking into a building to listen to someone speak, and I couldn't even manage that.

I think about the fact that unless this improves, I can't fly on a plane again. Ever.

I look to Thanksgiving and Christmas, holidays that are all about groups and food and travel, and I have no idea how I'm going to participate in them at all.

I try and imagine meeting other writers and parents, but every time they get together it's at coffee shops and potlucks and I simply can't participate in that.

None of this was on my mind this morning when I went to the meeting, but it is now. It's all sort of crashed down on me in a big landslide of horrible 'what if's.'

I know tomorrow I'll probably be over this. How can I not? Moving on is the only thing you can do, really, and I might as well enjoy what I have or what's the point? But for the moment...I think I'm grieving for what I've lost, and what I might never get back.

Just...a bad day.

Here's hoping that tomorrow will be a much, much better one.